Let coke addict boyfriend flail in his kinky morass

Q. I snooped around my boyfriend's house after he left for work. Iknow this was bad, but I found a few things that made methink he was gay (transvestite porn, women's clothing and such). WhenI confronted him, the truth floored me: He was addicted to cocaineand would use these things when he was on the drug. I had no idea. Hesays he stopped cold turkey and wants to get better for me. I thinkit's time for me to move on, but I'm scared that if I end therelationship he'll return to drugs. I love him, but it feels like I'mbeing used. What can I do?

SHOCKED

A. Revert from girlfriend mode to secondary support. If he wantsto address his drug dependency successfully, he cannot make "you" aprerequisite for doing so. And with all the paraphernalia youstumbled over, there's no way you could simply resume your recentrelationship. Look up Narcotics Anonymous and find a support chapterfor friends and family of addicts. Or go talk to someone on your own.Just make sure you have something in place for yourself when he triesto guilt trip you or access the code to your heart when he's feelingneedy. It's not your job to make it all OK. His victory or failureover of the lure of drugs belongs to him.

Q. My best friend was seeing this guy for about a month. Whilethey dated, I became good friends with him, too. When they broke up,she insisted that I not hang out with him anymore--in fact shethreatened to end our friendship if I did. Both friends are dearlyimportant to me, and I don't want to lose either one. How should Ideal with this?

IN STICKY MESS

A. Well, if we attack this problem in a mathematical way, yourfriend would be the pick from column A. You may think you are reallyclose to your buddy's ex, but you've known her a long time, and him amere month. On the other side of this dilemma is your friend'sunreasonable stance. Her expectation that you not even whisper a wordto her ex is petty and controlling. No one likes to be blackmailed ina relationship--and if you yield, you'll resent her power over you.You're old enough to pick your own friends. She's probably afraidyou'll either start dating him yourself, or that you'll share infoabout her. Go talk and assure her neither plan is part of youragenda.

Send your questions to: Ask Rhona, Box 3254, Chicago 60654. Or e-mail Rhona@suntimes.com.